69´«Ã½

First, assuming you69´«Ã½™re married to a woman, your first job is to keep your wife from dying or, less importantly, killing you. This column is a how-to guide, but the first thing to remember is that it69´«Ã½™s entirely about emotions. Whether it69´«Ã½™s the first or last one, the emotions are tidal waves, and she69´«Ã½™s going to lean on you. You69´«Ã½™re going to lean on her, too, because you69´«Ã½™re not an emotionless clod, but my job here involves talking to the guys. Buck up, pal. She needs you.

This also means you should do what she tells you. If she wants to be intimately involved in decorating the girl69´«Ã½™s dorm room, or if she wants to simply give the credit card to the son with directions to the nearest Target, you need to be supportive. There are arguments both ways, and this will depend on your parenting style. Letting the kid sink or swim is sort of my default setting, but the world69´«Ã½™s gonna take care of that pretty quick either way. You can help carry boxes up stairwells one more time without killing the kid69´«Ã½™s agency.

That69´«Ã½™s the first practical bit: You69´«Ã½™ll need to carry a bunch of stuff, so get in shape. Getting couches and mattresses up narrow staircases is probably the worst of it. Back brace? Can69´«Ã½™t hurt. Knee brace if you need one. Work gloves for sure. Corners digging into your palms hurts the most.

Wear clothes that you can throw away. This stuff happens mostly in August and May, and so you69´«Ã½™ll sweat like a quarterhorse and get dirty, and there may be paint.

Bring a powerdrill and a hammer; if you69´«Ã½™ve got a rubber mallet, bring that, too. Make sure you69´«Ã½™ve got a Phillips and a standard screwdriver; the drill won69´«Ã½™t always fit. Always, always, always have duct tape and WD-40. A Swiss Army knife is a must 69´«Ã½” one with a corkscrew might be particularly useful if you need to open a Cabernet for the wife after the goodbyes.

Bring a package of Magic Erasers 69´«Ã½” what are those damn things made of, anyway? 69´«Ã½” and a bunch of Clorox wipes. Dorm rooms are usually in pretty good shape, but apartments can be complete disasters. Basement apartments east of campus right here in our lovely hometown were in fact the worst I69´«Ã½™ve seen in my brief career of doing this. I understand the arguments against rental inspections; pro or con, I69´«Ã½™d suggest everybody take a spin through a few of those joints at move-in or move-out. Come to think of it, you might pack a few of those COVID masks you69´«Ã½™ve got lying around. You don69´«Ã½™t want to breathe in whatever that gunk is you69´«Ã½™re wiping down.

If you69´«Ã½™ve got a truck, drive it. I don69´«Ã½™t, but my co-dad does, so that has helped. He also knows how to operate ratchet-straps, which I69´«Ã½™ve yet to conquer. That69´«Ã½™s another point: Get qualified help.

Also bring cash and credit cards. Somebody69´«Ã½™s going to have to buy a mop and a small vacuum, probably a lamp and bulbs, maybe a rug, towels, sheets, possibly a mattress, bedding, toothpaste 69´«Ã½” and several pizzas.

I69´«Ã½™ve learned all this on the job. Me? My folks drove me to the airport and said goodbye. I survived.

I69´«Ã½™ve also survived being the parent backing up a staircase, gripping a couch, staggering the aisles of Home Goods at 9 p.m., soaked in sweat.

Don69´«Ã½™t forget that corkscrew.